Finding my Way...

Spiriting down the rabbit hole. Will I, if not now, when? Confluence.  Can I?  A desire so deep, ingrained, unshakable, sometimes inexplicable...tortures me, just let me run.

I haven't posted in months, it feels weird.  This is a blog about running, and I've not been doing a lot of that this year, but since I seem to be recovering, it was necessary to feed my soul and capture some thoughts and experiences.  Many of my past posts, particularly around Leadville have helped my to keep the fire alive and not lose hope this year.

For the entire year of 2012, I've attempted to return to the trails and find myself again.  A few weeks ago, I ran past the old sage that touched my soul in the early months of 2011.  A sign of good fortune; perhaps.

All I can muster is to focus on next year.  Getting "right" enough to conquer some new endeavors.  Starting over again after a year, is in a word, daunting.  I'm so far off my game...2011 is almost erased in terms of gain and I'm a year older.  But I have my spirit, my drive, my desire, I have hope.  For most, this is the end of the season, for me I'm just getting started.

After a successful tune-up run a couple of weeks earlier with Stephen and Clint, I threw caution to the wind and rallied for the "Basic Boulder" the annual group run, unofficial in nature, yet with a very competitive field last weekend.  It was a gathering of locals, legends, and friends.  After a stressful week in West Virginia, I needed an escape that brought me back to the peace found among the mountains.   

Boulder had just received a good dumping of early season snow during the week and with the colder than normal temperatures, it stuck around for our jaunt and made the run all that more epic.  There is a quietness that surrounds you as the trail, earlier concealed by the snow appears from previous occupants.  It's exhilarating.  Some, as myself, but not all, bring loads of gear for runs like this.  You feel alive in your preparation for all that may come your way. Needless to say after three and a half hours, I was cooked and skipped the last ascent to Bear Mountain and hobbled my way to the car and went home, exhausted.

I went back out this weekend for a confirmation that while I still have the cyst in my knee and it's bothersome, it's not debilitating. I continued the dry needling and PT this week, with less success from the dry needling than the prior session, but apparently that is to be expected.  Speaking of expectations and how rewarding or troublesome they can be...I am certainly at a cross roads for some decisions around next year.

I am in my 40th year, yes I know I am 39, not 40...but those that know me and have tripped into this conversation with me, for all intents and purposes my body is 39 + however many days since July 5, 2012.  At times I can be morose regarding this topic, but I do want to break through some new barriers in these remaining 243 days.  The WS100 lottery is coming up at the end off the month, that's goal race #1.  If that's all I do, I'll be satisfied to a certain extent.  It's been a dream for a long time as was Leadville and I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to complete Leadville last year.  If I get selected, I've decided to remove any pressure for this race and just enjoy it as I did the NYC Marathon last year and find peace in the journey.  Unfortunately, there is a part of me that wants to set a goal and push for a time I know I can achieve with the right mind, body, and spirit preparation as I did at Leadville.  All things being equal, folks that have run both, usually run a faster time at WS100.

So there's that...then there's the Badwater 135, my ultimate dream, the race I read about on January 1, 2001 that ignited this spark and now raging fire inside of me to run far, for hours, to lose myself, discover, and explore my soul.  Badwater is run in August and starts at the lowest point of Death Valley and finishes at the Portal on Mt Whitney, 135 miles away over two mountain ranges and yes, it is very hot the entire time.  It is very difficult to get "invited" to Badwater.  You have to have a pretty impressive resume of experience and a minimum of three sanctioned 100 mile race finishes under your belt.  You have to complete an extensive application process, you need a crew, you need a big heart, and you need a level of fortitude I am just not sure I've found yet. This is all due in March each year...which means I have to run two more 100 milers before then...a tall order, given where I am currently at in my fitness.  So Badwater maybe a couple of years out still, but it's something I think about, dream about.  A life defining experience like none other.

Then there's Leadville and Leadman...this is also a tough proposition for next year.  Five events starting in July that includes the 100 mile mountain bike race the weekend before the 100 mile running race.  I vacillate between simply focusing on WS100 as I did with Leadville last year to ensure healthy, reduced injury training and be as prepared as possible or to just go for it.  I miss Leadville and I've been thinking about it a lot.  So we'll see.

It's back to basics for now.  Lots of cross training, solid training runs, continuing to nurse my ankle and knee, and finding balance in it all.

All that aside, Annie has thrown herself into finishing the house. We moved back in at the end of August to the basement bedroom while we figured out the main level floor issues.  She is almost finished and we will soon host family and friends in our new home, which is very exciting.  The infamous Katalpa tree we tried to keep through this whole process is in dire straits and we won't know it's status until next spring/summer.  It will be a very sorrowful lose, but we are preparing ourselves, while being as hopeful as possible. 

"I know of no higher fortitude than stubborness in the face of overwhelming odds. " 
- Louis Nizer

Balance

There's a lot to be said for finding balance in one's life.  Leadville consumed me last year, from January to August.  As I look back at those amazing months I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I wasn't balanced.  I was dedicated, disciplined, borderline obsessed.  I can take a deep breathe now and look back on it all and relax.  While I revel in the memories, relive moments, I can step back and disengage.  I can enjoy the simpler aspects of life, find balance in all that surrounds me.


While I had high aspirations for my running in 2012, riding the wave from 2011, it is not to be the story I kept telling myself September through December.  I have a new story to live, I'm not sure what it is yet, but I'll discover it as I discovered new depth and breadth in myself last year.  Yes, it has been a struggle to arrive at this realization.  I've yearned for the mountain peaks and the eastern flats that were my playground last year.  I've beat myself up over not wearing traction when I had it on Dec 18 for the descent of Mt. Sanitas.  I've tried to remain positive when running really just hurts and ended up depressed about "what would have been in 2012".  I'm human and I have some sort of piece of me that isn't as happy if I'm not able to do five or six hour runs over multiple peaks...I wish I knew why.  It doesn't matter where I am, when I look up at the mountains west of Boulder, my insides churn.  I want to jump up, throw on some gear and go.


The doctor seems to think I have six or more months before this injury gets "right" and then I can do all the things I use to do on a whim.  I have to fight the urge to just say to hell with it, I'll go anyway and see what happens, even though I know what will happen and thankfully that keeps the lion in the cage for a few more days until I get another urge.


I have to find balance in 2012.  Hopefully, I'll return in 2013.  I want to enter the lottery for Western States and do Leadville again.  I'll be stronger, hopefully faster and certainly rested.

"Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony." 

- Thomas Merton

Step, Stride, Shuffle, Speed

Last year ended as the previous year did, with an injury.  I had just crested the 2,000 miles  for the year mark (first time in my life) the week of Dec 12th and was feeling very good about getting a head start on 2012 training, running faster over distances from earlier in the year with the same level of effort.  Oh well, perhaps my body needed a break.

We celebrated the Holidays in North Carolina and West Virginia and made it back to Boulder for New Years Eve. I spent three weeks nursing my right lower leg and finally saw the Ortho over a week ago, result: grade 2 high ankle sprain.  It's in these moments I find myself thrown off my natural axis of life, not being able to run does something to me emotionally and mentally, I'm just not the same.

I also find that through injury I can take time to re-evaluate.  The first steps when I get back to running feel amazing, awkward and unusual.  Their slow steps, tenuous and filled with trepidation.  I then start adjusting upper body alignment, stride length and frequency, foot strike, and arm swing.  All in an effort to make it feel good again, even though there is pain.  It's hard to tell what is good pain and what is bad pain.  For example, I went out and ran 5 miles last week, what I thought was good pain was actually bad pain...too much, too soon.   So after another couple weeks of not running, I'll step, stride and start shuffling and I'll probably shuffle a lot over the next few weeks before I can test the speed in my legs.  When I say speed, that's a very relative term in my world, we're not talking 6, 7, or even 8 minute miles.

I was in yoga yesterday and the instructor said something we all know and don't practice much of the time,"Insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results." I try and remind myself of this often, as I did this time last year.

The hills are calling, but I need to squelch the urge of seeing them in the distance and wanting to spend hours running all over them.
Many I know have made their race plans for 2012.  As difficult as it is, I on the other hand will hold off and wait to see the progress with my ankle and try and enjoy the "no pressure" zone I'm in without dates of impending races looming over me for the year.  I'll just have fun.

I had an epic year in 2011, really nothing before it compares.  I had four goal races and nailed each one.  I ran over 2,000 miles in one year (for me, that's a lot).  I found peace.  I bonded with Earth.  I rediscovered and revisited depth in my soul and created new depth to explore.  I continued to define myself.

My legs start to tingle in the morning after so many weeks of not running, my skin gets itchy, my soul yearns for the feeling I get gliding over the trails and climbing the hills that have helped shape me this past year.  I will find them again, soon enough. 

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.  For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."  - Unknown